God's Little Tree Hugger

It’s amazing, how to describe what isn’t seen. My sister, as she’s known, Nessa and one of my dear friends, Cale, were discussing today how man is so keen on categorizing and naming things. It’s true that in the Garden of Eden, the Lord told Adam to go out and name everything there. I think that’s why it is so engrained in our nature. This need to describe, to discern. Precious things. It causes expansion at times, real creative flow.

I was reading through a journal I kept during one of the hardest times of my life, last fall after my boyfriend at the time had tragically been estranged from me. At the time, I did not at all, know the Lord how I do now, and yet I see the deep desire to describe, to understand.

From my personal journal:

“You are all I need, you’re all I need. I’m in the middle of your picture, lying in the leaves. I am a moth, who just wants to share your light.” - adaptation of Radiohead’s lyrics from ‘All I need’.

Now, through Steven’s own window [in a letter he had sent me that was in the mail at the time], will I see him again? I feel unprotected. I feel unprepared. Vulnerable. Emotions are powerful, anazing synthese of being, like the most complicated melodies, like the simplest manifestation of story. Emotion is creative creation. It is the formation of dream while the dreamer is sleeping.”

Reading back on that, and knowing what I know now about grief, emotions, despair, and where true peace and comfort come from, I see the state of disrepair I was in without having the grounding that I have now in Christ. Truly, He was there with me through all of those things, yet I couldn’t see Him. So I felt unprotected, unprepared, vulnerable in the worst way and not the best. I was living from my emotions - without them, I thought I was close to being dead, but with them, it was almost too much to handle - the formation of dream while the dreamer is sleeping. I was sleeping when I couldn’t feel, and I couldn’t seem to wake up - ever. Until Jesus.

When Steven died this summer, I did not have that same reaction. God had woken me up nearly 5 months earlier, and in the comfort of His Holy Spirit, I was able to survive that onslaught of emotion and impression - some natural, some an attack on the spirit. But I realized tonight, rereading that passage, that that sadness I felt at Steven’s death was a sadness that only the God of the Heavens could touch and deal with. Not I, not my family, not my friends… no one else could deal with that despair. And by the grace of God, I knew and trusted enough to believe and give it to Him, so He could help carry me through. And He has :) The life support form our Father in Heaven is so vital. So pertinent. So true. In sharing how His love has changed and radically reshaped my life into the masterpiece He is continuing to make of it, I feel a yearning to share that same transforming love with others.

I was talking to a sweet ladyfriend of mine tonight, Miss Emmy, ma fille ;), and was telling her that it’s really my love mixed with sincere gratitude that stirs the deepest desires in my soul to see others FIND the Love, Grace, Mercy, and Joy in the Lord. Not later, but right now! :) God is dealing with me - or rather, teaching me in His kindness - how to find balance in that way because it is simply just true that some people are not at that place yet, in their journey, to receive, seek, and know for themselves, the true goodness of the Lord. And yet, as Hope is only of God, there is hope for every other life here on this planet that they WILL find God and SEE, truly, how AMAZING Jesus is - How profound Jesus’ love is. No one else’s, just Christ. The Word says, as it is true, that only Jesus was given the glory to be the atoning sacrifice for everyone that everyone might be reconciled to the Father of Heaven, and truly there is no other name in which all authority over Heaven and Earth has been given. This, thank God, is true :)

In my life, I have lived between all kinds of worlds - spiritual, emotional, physical it seems. I have lived between “I’ll try just about anything” to “Who can I trust? what exactly is true?”. And I know that in someone’s walk through life, it’s sort of this search for what else is there and yet this trepidation to really find, which comes from dispelling doubt and the wisdom of men to seek the God of the universe in His fullness, that can really influence someone taking the steps to really throw themselves into that walk with God. But I tell you, as truthfully and graciously and humbly as I can, that the walk with God is a blessed one. It is profound and FULL of such life, love, and honestly adventure that really… it truly is more than you could ever imagine entering into it. :) I remember at times, how it was for me (and I smile as I type this) as I was first trying to “find God” in Jesus Christ, and how sometimes I would just fall all over myself in confusion or this or that. But months later, and I see how far God, Himself, has brought me in that journey :) And that’s just how He is. He wants you to seek Him and find Him. He wants to love the mess out of you, really :) Haha, that’s the true meaning of that phrase, and only God can do it, literally and literally :)

One of my favorite scriptures is this: “The Lord is a sun and a shield. He will give grace and glory. What good thing would He withhold from those who love Him?” I find that the more I get to know Jesus, our Heaven Father, and the Holy Spirit, the more I see just how entirely expansive and awesmazing (according to Nessa) His love for us is. It’s truly a God love, a love that is unnatural yet so real that it cannot be denied. I pray for you, that if you read this and feel the stirring in your own spirit, to not harden your heart and deny the call. That’s Jesus knocking on the door, either to have Him meet you for the first time, or to perhaps enter into an ever deeper communion and fellowship with Him :) It’s always a choice to let Him in or not. No one can do it for you, and whether someone “convinces you to” or you just do it on your own, it is always your choice. But it is a choice worth making. And I tell you, once you get started, you better hang on :) Because as one beautiful musician once said, “Jesus, God, He’s a wild man.” I believe He is :) The wildest, most balanced spirit ever witnessed, so full of love that He gave His life, that we might find life in Him. Please come. I want you to know the love of my life <3

Bless you in His name! Praises in His honor! Love to you always, and may goodness and mercy be your gentle embrace <3

In essence, I could write about the Nature of several things :) But this was particularly of interest to me, and I hoped it would bless you too!

As believers, it is our responsibility “to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.” (2 Peter 1:5-9). Having increasingly tried to have an increase in each of these qualities, I would say I long to progress in each step, in which I find myself currently is adding knowledge to my goodness and then self control to that knowledge so that I may increase in perseverance from which more of the godliness of the Holy Spirit’s guidance will be lived out in my life through mutual affection and love. All of these, too, encourage and strengthen my faith, that I may add goodness to it and continue to grow, and so forth :) 

The Walk is always growing, evolving, increasing - doing away with what isn’t correct in my thinking, understanding, or current place in time and replacing it with what is pleasing and correct in terms of my thinking, doing, believing, and then sharing as well. It is a profoundly exciting journey, and I look forward to each minute of the day now more than ever before, looking for those things with which the Lord uses to speak to me, teach me, and share His love to and through me. This is a blessed life.
 
My Aunt Renee recently, being the incredibly beautiful and sweet person that she is, sent me a care package to say “thank you” for helping my younger cousin Taylor with some of her essays, and such. I’d love to do it anyway, but it was such a wonderful gift in return! Inside the care package, alongside a card, a gift card, two lovely magnets which light up my fridge, and two awesome book marks, was a devotional by Oswald Chambers called My Utmost for His Highest. At first glance, I wasn’t sure about how this reading would integrate into my life, but being a devotional, I simply began with the day it arrived, and have read a passage for each day since. In short: revolutionarily sound and intriguing.
 
I’m not sure if he intended (though I think he did) to thematically group his topics, but the past three entries have been on “The Nature of Degredation, Regeneration, and Reconciliation”. Profoundly insightful. So I wanted to share one that I really enjoyed with you :)

“The Nature of Reconciliation

Sin is a fundamental relationship - it is not wrong doing but wrong being - it is deliberate and determined independence from God. The Christian faith bases everything on the extreme, self-confident nature of sin. Other faiths deal with sins - the Bible alone deals with sin. The first thing Jesus Christ confronted in people was the heredity of sin, and it is because we have ignored this in our presentation of the gospel that the message of the gospel has lots its sting and its explosive power.

The revealed truth of the Bible is not that Jesus Christ took on Himself our fleshy sins, but that He took on Himself the heredity of sin that no man can even touch. God made His own Son “to be sin” [by becoming human] that He might make the sinner into a saint. It is revealed throughout the Bible that our Lord took on Himself the sin of the world through identification with us, not through sympathy for us. He deliberately took on His own shoulders, and endured in His own body, the complete, cumulative sin of the human race. “He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us…” and by so doing, He placed salvation for the entire human race solely on the basis of redemption. Jesus Christ reconciled the human race, putting it back to where God designed it to be. And now anyone can experience that reconciliation, being brought into oneness with God, on the basis of what our Lord has done on the cross. [Amen]

A man cannot redeem himself - redemption is the work of God, and is absolutely finished and complete. And its application to individual people is a matter of their own individual action or response to it. A distinction must always be made between the revealed truth of redemption and the actual conscious experience of salvation in a person’s life.”

After reading this, I found in me an even wider appreciation for Christ’s act of becoming a man that we might find life in Him after He conquered death by death. The one part of this devotional (and I do hope you enjoyed it, that it made you think, that perhaps you’re now questioning yourself and any preconceived notions…) that I did not necessarily agree with was the part about the gospel having “lost its sting and its explosive power”. I do believe that Satan has taken his time, trying to marr the image of the gospel and the true meaning of Christianity. But I know that the Word of God and Jesus Christ are still working miracles all over this planet. It’s evident in all of the lives that are changed - and not just changed like sometimes you’re nicer and you’re enjoying the thought of going to heaven (though those things are beautiful :) ) - but the hard changes. The “I know for a fact that I could not be where I am today had God not come in and rescued me from myself and the enemy of my soul” changes. I have experienced several of these radical changes in my life - as I continue to grow as well. And as I daily hear testimony after testimony after testimony of God’s GREAT love, healing power, and the desire for a personal relationship with us… I am just all the more moved and willing to seek Him and trust Him with every part of me. That is my reasonable sacrifice, to give Him my whole life, as He gave His for mine.

As always, I truly pray that you, if you have not already, will seek to find the Lord and at least give yourself the opportunity to taste and see of His goodness. It does take belief and effort on your part… but God has a way of speaking right to you. To let you, out of a room full of people, know exactly that He knows who you are, and He knows where you’re at - and most of all, that He loves you, and will never leave you (and has never), nor forsake you. It is a profoundly incredible insight to have the assurance to know that the God of all the universe knows your name and Loves you intimately as His child. It is a priviledge, and a grace unlike any other that you will find on this planet. And in that… I see the truth of resting in Him and hoping others will find His goodness as well :) I pray you will, if you haven’t already.

Love you! and God bless you in Jesus’ name <3

Reflecting on the past two weeks, puts me in a sincere place of gratitude and humble acceptance of who my Lord is. I pray you are at a wonderful place in your journey as well :)

While struggling with an amazing array of emotions, seemingly uncontrollable thoughts, and just a slowly fading drive attributed both to a sense of fatigue and a sense of depression, I was frantically praying, asking the Lord what I needed to do. In my state of unrest, it was hard for me to discern what the Lord was telling me from all the other “things” going on in my head. But God is faithful - He will never leave you, nor forsake you. At a particularly uneasy moment in the journey, He directed my attention to a fellow co-worker named Wanda. Now, Wanda is an awesome lady. Haha, she works as a security guard on the island where I work @ the E.P.A., but she is SUCH a believer, and a tremendous blessing to my life. During that particularly uneasy moment, praying, asking God to help me, all I could discern in my spirit was “Wanda”. That was all I could hear. It was so clear, so concise, that I knew it was Jesus, telling me where to go. So I got up from my desk, made the trot over to the security office, and asked if I could speak with Wanda. Bless her heart, she was on rounds around the island and through the other security guard, I was able to radio her (yes, it was just that necessary) and she met me over by one of the buildings I work in. As she sat down to hear what was happening, I told her my nervous story and how God had put her on my heart to be apart of the answer. She was so sweet, calming me, and she said she was going to let me borrow Joyce Meyer’s book, The Battfield of the Mind. Then she prayed for me (to my surprise, a very short prayer :) ), and I was able to go back to work. The next day, she was totally faithful and met me as I drove onto the island to give me the book - what a blessing.

One very important lesson I learned while walking down my path with the Lord is that not every thought you have is actually your own. The Word talks about the “fiery darts” of the enemy of our soul (the soul including the mind, will, intellect-thought life) that he uses to try to harm us. What I didn’t know a long time ago, was that those “fiery darts” are actually thoughts. Thoughts of anything that causes us to lose our peace, our joy, our motivation, insight, etc. to create in us worry, fear, frustration, stress, even thoughts of suicide. He does this, seeking “whom he may devour”, but God, in His graciousness, gives us the very armour we need to fight back. The Word in Ephesians says that we are to take up “the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication…” (Ephesians 6:13-18) Now if we see how many of the pieces of armour are for self defense, with the Word of God being our only true weapon to discern and fight back in the spirit (spirit with spirit), it really impresses upon me the need to be aware and conscious of what is happening in my thought life.

The truth is, I haven’t always been on top of that. To be even more truthful, I didn’t even really try sometimes. I would get so worn down with the 1,001 thoughts in my head almost every minute of every day, that I couldn’t imagine what a mind-not-like-that would even be like. But by the grace of God, I can thankfully say that as of this week, I have truly been experiencing - though I always had it through Christ - a sound mind. If you have never thought about your thought life and wondered where some of those “non-you” thoughts were coming from, I encourage you to read about the battle for your mind.

Having a sound mind - or rather, experiencing the sound mind - is a joy and peace that everyone should want for their lives. I struggled so much with my thought life, and I needed God to intervene, and thankfully - as He is always faithful - He did :) I can now experience a greater depth of concentration, freedom from worry or concern, a greater reliance on my Heavenly Father and Christ Jesus, trusting the leadings of His Spirit, and a true sense of peace that is so incredibly comforting. I pray you will experience these same blessings :) They are available to you!

In reality, I could go on, and on, and on, about the amazing Love of Jesus. He alone is probably my most favorite person to talk about - not just person, but overall topic altogether :) Haha, fortunately, He isn’t just a “topic” but also someone you can actually get to know and have a personal relationship with. So often, we miss the discernment of how GREAT His love for us is. But as I grow, and grow, and grow all the more by His grace in Him, the more I see how overwhelmingly deep, high, far, outreaching, tremendous, heavy, total, and complete His profound care and devotion to us is. All He seeks is for the lost to find Him - He is home, and for those who are found, to be His faithful ones. To trust in Him, to get to know Him better. And He especially loves to help us prosper - not just with “things”, but in our spirits, in our souls… in every area of our lives. I’m by no means a millionaire, but the fact that I can wake up, feel refreshed, have energy flowing through me by His grace, and especially a sound mind that I can experience, all because of Christ my savior… I choose the latter any day. The “treasures” of this life, we leave behind. Moth and rust will decay it, if given enough time. But those things that are eternal, are unseen, and they will determine the riches and glory we’ll find on the other side of this living realm into the next. But the greatest gift of all, isn’t a “thing”, it’s a person. Christ Jesus is the prize we should all try our hardest to run towards. If you don’t think you have a reason to do that, just reflect on the reality of hope. Hope is only of God - it is beyond you, it helps to carry you, and it will keep you going even when all else seems lost. Except the “it”, isn’t a “it” at all. It’s God :) It’s our Heavenly Father, Lord Jesus Christ, holding us up by His Spirit, keeping us, even when we don’t see. God is truly love, and where His Spirit is, there is freedom - not freedom to do those things which are unpleasing in His sight, but the greatest freedom of all. The freedom to walk with Him and know Him, for yourself. Intimately. :)

I love you!, whoever you are. Praying blessings, peace, and most of all, salvation to you in His name <3

Today at work, my immediate mentor, Kim Nelson (formerly Kim Salinas, just married, yay!) reminded me of one of my strengths/semi-hinderances: my over-achieving self. :) It was a wonderful reminder, mainly because it was true and I hadn’t heard the phrase in a while. But also because it really helps to put in perspective where some of my challenges come from.
 
In many ways, I am very thankful to have wanted to do exceedingly well, or just to do the most that I can with a given situation, in life. I know that diligence, though not always consistent diligence to 100% of things going on (probably because I took on too many at one time), has blessed my life in terms of how God has been able and was always willing to open so many different doors in my life :) Even in how I love, I love to love you exceedingly much so that you always know, no matter what, that I do :) That’s a good thing. However, I can also go in the negative side of it where I begin to become fretful, unbalanced, and then suddenly start to shut down and appear to need more rest than what I actually do probably need. Why? because stress tires you out, wears you down, and acts like sandpaper on all parts of you that would be good, careful or -free, and effective. Then when you’re worn down and feeling raw, you’re like Whoa! How did I end up with that scar? But God is good and He knows your heart, and He works to help work all of that stuff - the bad stuff inflicted on us/the things we inflict on ourselves as well as all of the good things He wants for us that He’s able to get to us - together for our ultimate good. Oh what peace of mind it is to know my Savior.
 
When I looked at Paul’s life, at first I saw an over-achiever. Someone running around to every city, fighting evil with the help and grace of the Holy Spirit, spreading the Word and sharing the Way so that many more would be saved. I thought, whoa, I have some living-UP to do. LoL, but looking back, I now see a man who simply used his time wisely and effectively regardless the situation. Paul became a speaker, and a writer, and he wrote much of the new testament in times of imprisionment, probably during travel, etc. He just used each day he was given to do the Lord’s work and will through him, for others. It occurred to me today - thank the LORD, what a relief He is hahaha - that each and every day can and is used to help advance the kingdom of God, if that is where your heart is at. Whether it’s sharing with someone who doesn’t believe yet or just encouraging those already within the body, it is all important, all helpful, all a blessing, and God is so good. He reminded me that you don’t have to be older to be wise, though age does have its benefits :) We are all learning, all moving, all trying to help - if that’s where your heart is - advance God’s love and goodness in this world.

So essentially, on the message of satisfaction and resting in it, God has helped bring me through this harrowing process of “Oh gracious, what do I do with my life, and so forth” by helping me to see that regardless of where I’m going, I’m so thankful and satisfied with where I’m at that I just don’t even need to worry about it right now :) I love where I work - working for the Environmental Protection Agency in their labs, I love the people I work with, I love the church I go to here, I adore my little work-in-progress apartment, I enjoy being closer to home than I have been in the past 4-5 years, I love the opportunities I have here to volunteer and just the hope I have for things to come. I am so thankful and grateful in this life that I have, for what it is, which is so much more than I ever thought, dreamed or imagined it would be, and I am SO GRATEFUL for God’s blessings and favor in my life. And having chosen that good thing, which is Him, I know that He won’t be taken away from me and that no matter what, I’m covered by His grace and love, and His Spirit is guiding me more than I could ever imagine :) It’s in that realization of resting in satisfaction of where I am now that I find the peace to continue and to try to do as much as I can to enjoy and appreciate where I am now, in the now, to the extent that I can without wearing myself out to the point of not being useful, effective, or productive :) Jesus will answer your prayers. Ask Him and see :) And too - praise the LORD for beautiful friends and family, family and friends, who support, love and care for me, even in times of feeling absolutely not myself :)

I hope if you’re at a place in life where you’re feeling fretful that you know that there is a love stronger than any disaster or poor-life planning that we may do on our part that is actually guiding you and wanting to guide you even more with a greater love and intimacy than perhaps you’ve ever known before :) I hope that if you know Christ, you’ll embrace the loving hand He has on your life, and if you don’t, I pray you will welcome Him and accept His help, favor, and love - for He already loves you, wants good things for you, and hopes you will accept all of His benefits that come from just knowing who He is. We all grow, we all learn, we all have a long way to go :) But through thick and thin, His love remains, and cares for the seeds we sow. So in those times of feeling lost, and perhaps a little blue, just know that Jesus Christ is still on high, always loving you <3 (yes, I rhyme when I’m happy :D)

The Lord gave me a vision the other day around 5:30am or so as I was lying in bed. I was revealing in the quietness. In the early mornings when the world seems like it’s still sleeping. I could think, hear, listen, rest… it was so peaceful. This is what was shared with me, as I would now love to share it with you who read it :) Blessings in His name: (from my personal journal)

“…God I believe has had to tear through [fears within fears in my life from before] like layers of wallpaper on my heart, to get through to the original creation and thus purpose for [me - which I am still waiting on to be revealed in me by His Spirit :)]. He didn’t blame me for trying to cover over all of my hurts, fears, confusions, let downs… but I realize by covering them, I was only allowing them to remain, where He would not be able to wash them away with His cleansing blood and His [amazing] love. (2 Corin 3:16-17) He wants to be the Master Artist of my life and of my heart (Hebrews 12:2). He wants to display me in His own showroom, yet I, the canvas, must yield to the One who wishes to paint me and what better Master Artist than the One who took the time to make me - frame my edges, [sewed together my original canvas, and] stretched out the cloth of my life before Him, making sure I would be ready. Lol, and though I may have fallen out of [the window in His studio], landed in a dumpster, ended up in a landfill, found by a wandering vagabond of an artist, hand unseemly things portrayed on me [that soaked into] the very fabric my Master Painter had used to form and create me with…. though I was displayed amongst those who perhaps did not have my best interest at hand by the one who cared little for the uniqueness of the farbric within me. And though finally one day I was throw away, discarded with holes and shreds and tatters, in great pain wondering how again could I have ended up in this very same dumpster…. The Master Painter had always been following me. Had always been watching. Had even appeared in the midst of those ghastly galleries and lovingly ran His precious fingers across me, across the very fabric He had spent time, energy, love, patience - the greatest dilligence sewing together, though now so covered that I could barely see until one day I wondered if He had ever even existed at all… He still found me in that dumpster, tattered, broken, in disrepair and He took me back into His studio to completely remake me.

He completely ripped out the old fabric leaving the frame - but cleaning the frame and refurbishing it to His enjoyment, and He completely re-knitted me an entirely new canvas, as nothing from the old one could or should or need to have been used anymore for His new purposes. And He put me back together again and sat me firmly on His easel. And though I sometimes feel like I’m about to fall when the breeze comes through the window, He always stretches forth His hand to stabilize and sturdy me. (1 Corin 15:10, 1 Peter 5:10) To make sure that I know I’m safe… and as I focus on Him, I rest safely in trusting what He has started painting on me. And as He continues this beautiful work, He has started in me, I realize through the varying expressions on His face, how much care He is exercising on me, and I come to see He is not just painting a painting to paint, but He is creating a master peice somewhere along the lines of Mona Lisa’s smile (;) ), but a completely different kind of image and tapestry… This He does, is a labor of love so dear to Him because He knows that one day, He will present me to His Father, and I will be displayed in Heavenly places, to which the Father will say, “well done”. I am so moved by this truth that it inspires me to be still so that His work on me can be accomplished with greater ease and cmofort for us both. That as I wait patiently on Him to choose where the next stroke goes, I see how little I have to do and rather How Much More He does.

Fear has been cast away, and has been replaced with perfect appreciation and love for what the master painter is doing here in my life, on my canvas. Though I won’t be perfectly finished until He thinks I’m ready to be brought home to His father, I will wait patiently for Him, as He has become my only hope - true and confirmed as the soft bristles from His brush tickle me pink! (Philippians 1:6) And perhaps in those days when I seem - or rather feel a little gloomy, perhaps remembering the scars of my old canvas, I will think, know, and remember that He ripped that out and threw it away. That the old one is gone now and I am becoming an entirely new creation in His hands. It gives me the greatest joy, the fullness thereof to which I don’t know where the beginning or end is, just being in His presence, which is always. For He truly never leaves me nor forsakes me, even if I can’t see Him right then (He may be mixing colors together :) [Romans 8:28]). And one day, I will see myself as I really am, and I know that any work of His Hand is Beautiful <3”

:)

This really is the story of my life - and that of every believer. You may be at varying places in the story - we all are at different places in our journey, but you can find your reflection here as a work of art in His eyes. The Master Painter is Jesus, His Father is our Heavenly Father, and the Very Brush is His Precious Holy Spirit, apart from which He does nothing. The frame here is our physical body, but the canvas which is remade is our spirit. The vision and allegory are entirely enlaid with scriptural truths, as this was Spirit and thus Word based inspired, but Psalm 37, which speaks so strongly to God’s character and love for us, (really all the Psalms), is very much apart of this. I believe it would bless you to read and meditate on :)

As always, with love, bless you in His name! <3 

I once had a dream a few months back where it was as if I was awake and staring, but I knew that I was still asleep. I was laying in bed, almost paralyzed with fear, and looking back at me behind furnacy read eyes was a huge black figure. It towered over me, but I knew too in my mind and in my heart I had been and still was praying. Then finally, when I couldn’t stand the fear anymore, I willed myself to get out of bed and to walk into the light of my living room, and there I found my mom :) (I believe - srry, the brain is rusty. lol but you get the point, I found someone who made me feel safe, whether it was my mom, dad, or brother). I stayed there for a while, and eventually I felt better, somewhat, and I either went back to bed in the dream or I woke up in real life :) Either way, I see some of why I had that dream now.

So often, we as believers put a true prescendence on the “power of Satan” and his influence in this world. True, he exists and is terrible. The Word says he walks around like a roaring lion, seeking whom he MAY devour, and he does try to put things on us - forms of bondage (both mental and spiritual), forms of sickness (both physical and emotional), and forms of lack (both in terms of what we physically may have to go without for a time and in terms of what he wants to keep us from in what we will find in Christ, should we seek him). But I realized today, yielding to my beloved Savior Jesus Christ, that the more we magnify the Lord in our lives, the less powerful the fear satan tries to inspire in us becomes, as we turn our hearts to the Lord. Truly the Word says, and is true, that “Nevertheless, when [the heart] shall turn to the Lord, the veil shall be taken away. Now the Lord is that Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.” (2 Corin 3:16-17). That veil is fear, darkness, deceit, and that liberty is freedom, life, and life more abundantly. The more we magnify and yield to the spirit of the Lord, the greater freedom we find, for we already have it in Him who gave His life for us, in Him who would withhold no good thing from us :) But you have to believe Him! It’s just like that.

Have you ever been in the grips of fear? confusion? worry? struggles and trials that perhaps seem so overwhelming that you don’t know if you’re ever going to get through them? :) Well no, you don’t have to stay there. You can come into the light. Fear, confusion, worry, struggles, trials, etc. anything bad and evil are like dark rooms, that appear to be locked in which you can’t seem to find the light switch or the door knob. That dark room is often our own hearts, but we ourselves are the key. We have to open the door to Christ so that He may walk in, bringing with Him His glorious light so that He may begin to make us well again in Him :) The Word says in Heaven, He is the sun, for His light lights up the entire heavens. Don’t you wanna see that?? Don’t you want to know what it is to witness the Father, Son-Savior, and Holy Spirit in their realness, in their presence? I do. :) Simple as that. Though I know that I still have time here left on earth to do things, learn things, and most importantly, LOVE Him and LOVE others, I am looking forward to seeing my Savior face to face, as should and prayerfully does every believer. If you are a believer, and the Lord Jesus Christ, His Father, and Holy Spirit as one and each other have not become so real to you in your life that you can’t even imagine what it may be like to be in their presence, then I encourage you to seek Him more :) The closer we get to know the Lord, the closer we get to Him, the more tangible, real, present He becomes, and He is a true and very real presence. And it’s not scary to be very close to God :) on the contrary, it is the most amazing peace - a peace that truly surpasses all understanding. I just want you to have that. No other agenda other than I know how overwhelmingly beautiful your life can and will be should you answer the call, the knock on the door to your heart. And He never stops working - knocking, answering, planning, loving you. So at any moment on any day, just say “Jesus, come into my heart, and please start working on me. I know I’m not perfect and I’ve made mistakes, but if you forgive me, which you promised you would, I will follow you, seek you, and love you as I learn how.” and you know what? In that moment, of sincere expression, He is going to walk onto the stage of your life, and start performing a work in you so GREAT, that you will only be able to see how vast, how wide, how far, how rich, how deep, how amazing, how LOVING it was, once you leave this plane and enter into the next, where Jesus lives with His Father in Heaven :)

I love you, God bless you, I pray you will hear Him speaking to you in this very message <3 Blessings!

The other day, the Lord brought to my remembrance the quote from one of my favorite movies, The Fountain, about how Izzy’s husband told her she had been pulling him through time. Well I thought of that then and was like, “Yeah. God has truly been pulling me through time.”

I have a friend right now who is going through a Dark Night in the Soul, and it’s a difficult thing to go through because you just feel so far away from God :( But you know, that’s so the Holy Spirit can work a perfecting work in you as Jesus makes you strong, firm, and steadfast. It’s so that our faith isn’t based on anything we see, but on trusting in the Lord. It’s for the perfecting not only of the faith in our heart that grows, but the fruition of it in our understanding, so that we may recognize that faith is not a feeling, or based on what you see around you, or even on what you receive from God. Faith is the evidence of things not seen, the substance of things hoped for. It is the bridge between our weaknesses and God’s strength, between soul and spirit, between the very fabric of our physical form - between this world and the spirit world around us. Faith is our bridge to God’s grace, love, and Holy protection. Praise Jesus.

But as I was talking to him, and encouraging him, The Holy Spirit shared through my spirit this very truth:

All we have to do is try. God sees our efforts and He will reward them. But we have to do what we can, day by day, to meet Him as well - knowing that He meets us where we’re at no matter what. Because the truth is, He’s not just walking with us in time, but He’s also trying to pull us through time to Him :) and Every step of faith we take determines how fast or slow you run your race :) But regardless, if you believe, you will get there, if you just keep taking it one step at a time until your legs get strong enough to run :)

Hahaha, as I meditate on that, and dwell on that truth, joy, and love, I’m reminded of the scene in Jurassic Park (haha I used to be a huge movie person, I retain visuals very well) of the female palentologist running away from the raptors? LOL and you know she runs out even though the flash light is trailing behind her, she runs out and shuts the door and closes it behind her, and is crying but alive. And then when she sees the dude (haha sorry, I guess I’m not too big on every movie character’s name :D) who has been with the two kids walking, she says to herself “RUN” and she WILLS herself to do it and RUNS to him and collapses in His arms :) Yeah. That’s what this race is all about. That’s what this faith walk is like :) And you know what, I’m running yo. I’m building up my leg muscles in the Lord, in the Word, through His BLESSED and POWERFUL Holy Spirit, RUNNING to the Ancient of Days so that one day…. I’ll be able to give Him a BIIIIG Hug :D hahaha can’t wait.

Don’t know Christ yet? What are you waiting for? Now is the time yo. Get Him! He wants you and waits on you with open arms :) DO NOT deny the call. He’s so real. Taste and see - break free. Because where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. God bless you :D as surely He does. Love you!!!

Check out Shawn McDonald’s song “Eyes Forward” :) <3

Just a few facts:

• Currently, I’m really loving Shawn McDonald’s CD “Closer” - it’s beautiful! Very thoughtful, and thought-provoking, and just melodious to a T!
• I started studying officially for my MCATs today :) The Lord’s grace is truly sufficient for me - Bless Him, I give thanks.
• I love blogging, but oh man! I have so many other things going all at once sometimes :) I really have to sit myself down ;)

This morning was a beautiful display of a day the Lord had made being just that - beautiful! I woke up, read, rested, jammed out, skyped my dad, wrote a blog, ate breakfast, journaled like craazzyy, showered, and then finally off to work for the day! But truly, it was a great day - though it was busy.

I’m not sure how many people have seen Darron Aronovsky’s “The Fountain”, but it’s one of my favorite movies. Towards the end, Hugh Jackman is speaking to Rachel Weiss (her character’s name is Isabelle, but she’s nick-named Izzy. I named my koi tattoo Izzy, after her character :) ), and he tells her she has “pulled him through time”. It’s a tremendous love story, but as I reflected on it this morning, I understood that that is how I feel about the Lord and how He has literally carried me, and continues to guide me, take me, bring me, LOVE ME, through time. He loves you through time as well :) All you have is because He wanted you to have it - every good and perfect gift comes from Him. He is life, and  life more abundantly.

I wonder, if you’re reading this, and perhaps do not have a relationship with the Lord - or perhaps you (sadly) don’t believe God is really there (for you, or anyone else…) at all, I wonder if you ever wonder … what if? :) I hope you will ask, wonder, question. Because Jesus is knocking on the door of your heart, just wanting to come in, live with you, and dine with you. He will fill you! with a goodness, love, life, joy.. that you have never known before.

God bless you, truly :) He has, I’m sure. Love!!

The Lord placed it on my heart just now to put this message out on the electronic airwaves. But if there are any of you struggling with depression, thoughts of low self-esteem. If your heart is broken, and you’re hurting… if you’re lonely, just sad and it’s been a long time since you’ve been able to smile again… If someone has hurt you and you’re wondering when you’re gonna be able to get up out of bed. If you’ve been knocked down by a defeat in your life, that devil is trying to use against you to keep you from rising again. If you just feel like perhaps this life doesn’t have much else left for you… that no one is looking out or over you.. that you’re all of strength, and you just can’t keep going… please know that the Lord is there with you right this very moment. He said he was NEAR to the broken hearted and the sad and poor in spirit. If you know Jesus, know that He has not abandoned you, but is right there with you, calling your name, telling you to HOLD ON! Hold on to dear life. Because you are BEAUTIFUL! You are SO Precious! And if you’re HURTING, know that He hurts with you, that He is weeping over you, and wishes to show you COMPASSION! He is bursting forth with LOVE for you! He loves you so, so much for you. Please don’t give up. Please don’t give up. Hold on, just hold on for one more day. He is coming to your rescue. He hasn’t left you. But you’re going to have to wait for Him. PUSH BACK against those things that would hinder you, tear you down, weaken you, that are trying to push you past the point of hopelessness.

You have this in you. He loves you, and is with you! He said he would BIND UP the broken - He is coming for you, just believe, and wait - even if it seems like it’s been a long time coming (Habakkuk 3:17-19). I’ve shared in your tears, and I am praying for you, whoever you are <3

Song: Shawn McDonald - Don’t Give Up

The Lord is so “awesmazing”, lol as a dear friend of mine, Yinessa Wright, has coined, and perhaps would say. Somewhere between “awesome” and “amazing”, I still find myself without the adequate set of words to describe how GREAT our Father in Heaven, His Precious Son Jesus, and His Magnificent and Comforting Holy Spirit is. All as one… always working… always LOVING - or should I say, always Loving and always working - surely there is no differentiation. Out of His Love for us pours blessings, new sunsets, a tide that receeds in its right time, new food each day from the ground, our daily bread, strength, every good and perfect gift…. How faithful is our God. It grieves me if you don’t believe :( Not for me, but for the Lord who I know is calling you because His will is that none would be lost. Not for me, but for you, who I know would love to be in His care, if you would only believe that He was there… If you don’t think you want to read the Bible right now (though truly, there is no substitute), I recommend a short book called “A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23” by Phillip Keller. It does a most beautiful job of describing Christ as the Good Shepherd, in whom King David did not want.

Today, I knew I needed to read John. The Holy Spirit speaks, and though Psalms is forever beautiful and gorgeous, He placed John on my heart. You know, I think there’s something I’ve noticed as a believer, trying to walk the path laid before me a little more each day, that there is just a difference in what makes sense to someone who knows/believes and someone who doesn’t. I would love to share with you the immense awe, joy, breath-taking splendor that I experience every time the Holy Spirit reveals something to me in the Word, surely from the Lord Jesus Christ as the Father would have me to know it :D Yet, some don’t know who or even (as some might say) what the Holy Spirit is. Well The Holy Spirit is not a what, He’s a ‘who” fortunately for all of us, and He comes to dwell inside of you when you choose to believe. It’s a fantastic joy to know the Holy Spirit is literally with you, ministering to your spirit, because He shares with you and speaks to you and reveals things to you that you simply could not or would not understand any other way. And truly He reveals so much to us from the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God - the Word is Jesus Christ. God SPOKE the world into existence and His Word is His Son, our Lord and Savior, who is now seated at the right hand of the Father so that His Holy Spirit would come to be with us all. I believe every day more and more I see just how vital it was, as our Lord and Savior knew, that the Holy Spirit comes to be with us - and what a BLESSED gift… God has given us SO much. So much of literally Himself on Every Level. His breath, His life, His Son, His Spirit, Himself!, His LOVE that is just SO real and SO powerful - you almost feel ashamed to know how inadequate you are to return such a love to the Author of all things. And yet, He calls us to boldness! He seeks to give us and call us to peace, to joy, to love, to gentleness, to self control, to goodness, to kindness, and truly to faithfulness  - the blessed Fruit of the Spirit, so that we may live in Him and He in us, so that we may know that we truly are the Children of God, to thus call Him Abba, Father. (Amen)

A wonderful woman in my life, a Mrs. Laura McNeese once “shepherdessed” (haha, I hope she would like that) a fellowship for the College and Career at my church. That night her message, which surely was divinely inspired, was on giving ourselves, wholy to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Trusting in Him, and not holding back. I remember her saying, “Sometimes, it just feels GREAT to say to myself, ‘You (Jesus) are the vine, and I am a branch’. Doesn’t that feel great?” Haha, at the time, which was earlier in my walk by just a few months ago, I thought that was beautiful, and it obviously stuck with me. But tonight, rereading those same Words in John again, I began to cry because it was literally SO beautiful and so real to me. That portion of the passage states,

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is throw away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be given you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.” John 15:5-9.

Some people would read this passage and get to the part about the branch that was thrown away and withered, and suddenly only see someone talking about hell and condemnation and turn away in anger. But that is not the message here. The message here is the Lord, speaking to his flock, to his people, to his children, to you!, simply saying “Remain in my love”, abide in me, and I will give you life - spiritual life, because what is of flesh is flesh, but what is of the Spirit is spirit. I think of my life, and how much it has changed. And I know I could never go back to who I was, what I used to think (or rather not know), or how I used to be. I have to remain in the vine, who is Christ, because truly I am one of His branches, and you cannot imagine what a JOY it is to bear fruit in His name, because of Him, for Him, for others, to our Heavenly Father, being led by His Holy Spirit - who is not of me, but is in me, who speaks to me, but tells me only truth and gives me the most unbelievable comfort (thus, what it means to have Peace that surpasses all understanding). Truly, Jesus is the Lord our God, and without Him, there was nothing anyway. Our Father SPOKE the world into being - Jesus is the Word, and the Holy Spirit, empowers us all. For the Kingdom of God is not in the word of man, but in the Power (1 Corin 4:20) of God, through His Spirit, based on the Word of God sent. (lol, one should really just trust the Lord when looking for a verse in the Bible and not rush to the online Strong’s Concordance. Oh man… learning :) )

I was talking to another girlfriend of mine tonight who said she was trying to meditate and fell asleep. Lol, I started to laugh and said, “well yeah if you don’t meditate on anything!” LoL we ended up talking that out, but David is true when he said, “I will meditate on your (God’s) word day and night”. Truly, the joy, peace, and comfort I have found meditating on God’s Word has changed me substantially from where I was to where I am, and I am so beyond grateful. But how would I meditate on it, if I never read it? If I never took the time to get it into my heart and spirit? This too is an even deeper discussion, but regardless of where you are in life, spirit, thought, etc., I cannot encourage you enough to read the Word of God, written for us in the Bible, which is truly a love letter, complete, magnificent, and simply beautiful. It will bless you - I can’t imagine how it could not if you approach it with a heart even in the slightest bit open. For those fans of Narnia, C.S. Lewis was an atheist who found Christ, and he was and is a life transformed. The Word of God truly is a sword, that cuts between soul and spirit, bone and marrow… <3

In the end, and to the end, this I know is true. Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No man comes to the Father but by me.” (John 14:6). I understood tonight how much more that meant than what I originally had read it as. Truthfully, the God our Father is there, with us, and for us… and some people say they know God, but yet they don’t claim Jesus Christ. And then some say they know both God the Father and the Lord Jesus, yet they seek not to follow His commands. Believe you, me, I am by no means perfect. Yet in Christ, I have found a perfect love, a perfect Savior, perfection. Simply put. And as Jesus said, if you don’t know Him, then you don’t trust the one who sent Him, and if you don’t trust Him, it is true that you don’t know Him. And why would you? You only trust someone after you get to know them, and if you don’t get to know someone fully, you won’t be able to fully say in knowing that you trust them. The time is perfect to get to know the Lord. There is no better time than this. It is a walk of faith. As the Holy Spirit ministered unto me, He reminded me it is a choice that cannot be won in the mind. Because to believe that Jesus rose from the dead is not something you can know in yourself in your brain without first believing it in your heart. Perhaps others would suggest otherwise, but for me, I have learned that this is a heart thing, not something based on the wisdom of men. Even if you knew everything in the Word was true, you would still have to make a choice as to whether you believed it. Believing in Him brings changes. Simply knowing He’s there and not acting on it will not. And too, again, He welcomes you to come and get to know Him, for who He is! He is not a man that He should lie, and if it wasn’t so, He would not have told us. Yet He chose to reveal mysteries to us, to die for us, and by the grace of God (and more than that) was raised again on the third day that those who believe in His name would have eternal life, and life more abundantly! He calls us friends because a friend knows (or can know) what the other friend knows. There are no secrets with the Lord, and He is faithful and just through His Spirit to lead us into all truth, should we simply believe, ask, and receive. The Word is clear, that we have not because we ask not. How simple is that?

The truth is, I just want you to be blessed! I just want you to have the same goodness and FULFILLMENT I have come to know and have given my heart to fully and have never, ever been let down by. Even when the devil has done some truly sad things in my life, God has never let me go. And He’s been calling me since I was a little girl, and always had His hand on me. But, as my aunt told me just yesterday that she was so glad I did, I thankfully, by the grace of God which works in me to will and to do unto His good pleasure, answered that call and didn’t spend another however long waiting, wondering if things could ever be as rosy as I hoped they would be without Him. Instead, I am living and walking in a love that has completely devoured me, and I am happily given away. I am not my own, I was bought with a price, and it is my reasonable service to give my life as a living sacrifice to the one who gave His life for mine.

The Word says, “Everyone who listens to the Father and learns from him comes to me.” There is but one God, our God the Father, and in Him are Jesus Christ and from Him is His Holy Spirit, and all together they are One. If you have spent your life and learned from God, seen His works, simply felt love and understood what it means to appreciate… then don’t turn away. The greatest mistake in life is to turn away from what will be THE defining moment of your life. It was the defining moment of mine :) And I am forever grateful.

God be with you, God bless you and keep you in Christ Jesus our Lord through His Precious Holy Spirit <3