It’s amazing, how to describe what isn’t seen. My sister, as she’s known, Nessa and one of my dear friends, Cale, were discussing today how man is so keen on categorizing and naming things. It’s true that in the Garden of Eden, the Lord told Adam to go out and name everything there. I think that’s why it is so engrained in our nature. This need to describe, to discern. Precious things. It causes expansion at times, real creative flow.
I was reading through a journal I kept during one of the hardest times of my life, last fall after my boyfriend at the time had tragically been estranged from me. At the time, I did not at all, know the Lord how I do now, and yet I see the deep desire to describe, to understand.
From my personal journal:
“You are all I need, you’re all I need. I’m in the middle of your picture, lying in the leaves. I am a moth, who just wants to share your light.” - adaptation of Radiohead’s lyrics from ‘All I need’.
Now, through Steven’s own window [in a letter he had sent me that was in the mail at the time], will I see him again? I feel unprotected. I feel unprepared. Vulnerable. Emotions are powerful, anazing synthese of being, like the most complicated melodies, like the simplest manifestation of story. Emotion is creative creation. It is the formation of dream while the dreamer is sleeping.”
Reading back on that, and knowing what I know now about grief, emotions, despair, and where true peace and comfort come from, I see the state of disrepair I was in without having the grounding that I have now in Christ. Truly, He was there with me through all of those things, yet I couldn’t see Him. So I felt unprotected, unprepared, vulnerable in the worst way and not the best. I was living from my emotions - without them, I thought I was close to being dead, but with them, it was almost too much to handle - the formation of dream while the dreamer is sleeping. I was sleeping when I couldn’t feel, and I couldn’t seem to wake up - ever. Until Jesus.
When Steven died this summer, I did not have that same reaction. God had woken me up nearly 5 months earlier, and in the comfort of His Holy Spirit, I was able to survive that onslaught of emotion and impression - some natural, some an attack on the spirit. But I realized tonight, rereading that passage, that that sadness I felt at Steven’s death was a sadness that only the God of the Heavens could touch and deal with. Not I, not my family, not my friends… no one else could deal with that despair. And by the grace of God, I knew and trusted enough to believe and give it to Him, so He could help carry me through. And He has :) The life support form our Father in Heaven is so vital. So pertinent. So true. In sharing how His love has changed and radically reshaped my life into the masterpiece He is continuing to make of it, I feel a yearning to share that same transforming love with others.
I was talking to a sweet ladyfriend of mine tonight, Miss Emmy, ma fille ;), and was telling her that it’s really my love mixed with sincere gratitude that stirs the deepest desires in my soul to see others FIND the Love, Grace, Mercy, and Joy in the Lord. Not later, but right now! :) God is dealing with me - or rather, teaching me in His kindness - how to find balance in that way because it is simply just true that some people are not at that place yet, in their journey, to receive, seek, and know for themselves, the true goodness of the Lord. And yet, as Hope is only of God, there is hope for every other life here on this planet that they WILL find God and SEE, truly, how AMAZING Jesus is - How profound Jesus’ love is. No one else’s, just Christ. The Word says, as it is true, that only Jesus was given the glory to be the atoning sacrifice for everyone that everyone might be reconciled to the Father of Heaven, and truly there is no other name in which all authority over Heaven and Earth has been given. This, thank God, is true :)
In my life, I have lived between all kinds of worlds - spiritual, emotional, physical it seems. I have lived between “I’ll try just about anything” to “Who can I trust? what exactly is true?”. And I know that in someone’s walk through life, it’s sort of this search for what else is there and yet this trepidation to really find, which comes from dispelling doubt and the wisdom of men to seek the God of the universe in His fullness, that can really influence someone taking the steps to really throw themselves into that walk with God. But I tell you, as truthfully and graciously and humbly as I can, that the walk with God is a blessed one. It is profound and FULL of such life, love, and honestly adventure that really… it truly is more than you could ever imagine entering into it. :) I remember at times, how it was for me (and I smile as I type this) as I was first trying to “find God” in Jesus Christ, and how sometimes I would just fall all over myself in confusion or this or that. But months later, and I see how far God, Himself, has brought me in that journey :) And that’s just how He is. He wants you to seek Him and find Him. He wants to love the mess out of you, really :) Haha, that’s the true meaning of that phrase, and only God can do it, literally and literally :)
One of my favorite scriptures is this: “The Lord is a sun and a shield. He will give grace and glory. What good thing would He withhold from those who love Him?” I find that the more I get to know Jesus, our Heaven Father, and the Holy Spirit, the more I see just how entirely expansive and awesmazing (according to Nessa) His love for us is. It’s truly a God love, a love that is unnatural yet so real that it cannot be denied. I pray for you, that if you read this and feel the stirring in your own spirit, to not harden your heart and deny the call. That’s Jesus knocking on the door, either to have Him meet you for the first time, or to perhaps enter into an ever deeper communion and fellowship with Him :) It’s always a choice to let Him in or not. No one can do it for you, and whether someone “convinces you to” or you just do it on your own, it is always your choice. But it is a choice worth making. And I tell you, once you get started, you better hang on :) Because as one beautiful musician once said, “Jesus, God, He’s a wild man.” I believe He is :) The wildest, most balanced spirit ever witnessed, so full of love that He gave His life, that we might find life in Him. Please come. I want you to know the love of my life <3
Bless you in His name! Praises in His honor! Love to you always, and may goodness and mercy be your gentle embrace <3